You Don’t Have to Forgive Them

There are unforgivable people out there. People you may never forgive in this lifetime, or possibly even the next one.

And I’m probably the only forgiveness educator who’s going to tell you this:

You don’t have to forgive them.

Yes, you read that correctly. And I teach forgiveness for a living!

No, you don’t have to forgive the person who hurt you the most. You don’t have to forgive the person whose name makes your stomach tighten just hearing it. You don’t have to forgive the person who did something so awful that even the idea of forgiving them makes you angry.

Plus, they don’t deserve your forgiveness, right?

At least you don’t have to forgive them right now.

Why?

Mostly because there are probably a whole lot of people, places, things, experiences, and versions of yourself you can forgive before you ever get to that person.

When people think about forgiveness, they automatically think of the person who hurt them the most.

You’re probably thinking about that person right now.

So why on earth would you start with THEM?

You wouldn’t. Not if I have anything to say about it.

Forgiveness is NOT about letting someone off the hook, nor does it mean that what they did was okay. It also absolutely does NOT mean you have to forget what happened, reconcile with them, call them, have dinner with them, or invite them back into your life.

Some people belong firmly in your rearview mirror. Period.

Forgiveness is about getting you out of the emotional grip of what happened.

And that, my friends, is a very different thing.

Start With the Easy Stuff

When I teach forgiveness, I don’t tell people to begin with the person who caused the deepest wound.

On a scale of one to ten, with ten being unforgivable, I want you to start with the #1’s.

• Forgive the friend who disappointed you last week.
• The colleague who stole your sandwich out of the company refrigerator yesterday.
• The person who cut you off in traffic this morning.
• How about the person who left their cart sideways in aisle three of the grocery store?
• Forgive yourself for something you said twenty years ago. It’s the one that occasionally wanders into your brain at 2:00 in the morning.
• Your best friend from high school. I’ll bet you don’t even remember what it was about! (Okay, that one was mine, and yes, I did forgive her. There is a story behind that one…)

Come on, you can forgive those people!

Start there. With the super easy ones.

Baby steps first. Dragons later.

You may eventually reach the person you once thought was unforgivable. Or you may not. It’s all good.

I can teach you how to forgive the unforgivable. But first things first.

Either way, you can still put down an enormous amount of what you’ve been carrying.

The Four Principles of Forgiveness

There are four basic principles I teach about forgiveness.

First, forgiveness is for you.

You are not forgiving someone because they deserve it. They probably don’t.

You’re doing it because you want them out of your head!

THAT is my definition of forgiveness: you want them out of your head. Period.

It’s not for them. It’s for you.

Second, forgiveness does not require reconciliation.

This one trips people up all the time.

You can forgive someone and never speak to them again.

You can forgive someone and still have boundaries.

You can forgive someone and decide they no longer get access to you.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are two completely different things.

Third, just because I forgive you doesn’t mean I’m giving in.

Forgiveness does NOT mean you’re saying they were right all along and you were wrong.

They can still be wrong.

It doesn’t mean you’re weak. Quite the opposite, actually.

They can still be a huge dumpster fire. You just don’t want that dumpster fire living rent-free in your head anymore.

You want to be free.

Fourth, forgiveness is about releasing the emotional energy attached to what happened.

Forgiveness is rarely about just one person. There can be a whole lot connected to what happened.

And that’s exactly why forgiveness sometimes doesn’t stick.

Why Didn’t My Forgiveness Last?

I hear this all the time.

“I thought I forgave them. Why am I still angry?”

Maybe you did forgive them.

But sometimes we forgive the person without dealing with everything connected to what happened. The memories. The anger. The hurt. The things they said. The things we wish we had said. And sometimes, the things we still blame ourselves for.

That’s what I mean when I talk about forgiving the energy surrounding a person or experience.

If some of that is still hanging around, it doesn’t mean you failed at forgiveness. It just means there’s more to let go of.

And Then There’s You

This is where forgiveness gets interesting because sooner or later, many of us discover that some of the heaviest things we’re carrying aren’t about other people at all. They’re about ourselves.

• Why did I stay?
• Why didn’t I say something?
• Why did I get into the car?
• Why didn’t I see it?
• Why did I trust them?
• Why did I let that happen?

We can be absolutely brutal to ourselves. Sometimes much more brutal than we would ever be to another human being.

Self-forgiveness is part of this work too.

Listen, give yourself a break. You were making decisions with the information, experience, resources, and emotional capacity you had at the time. You know more now. Much more. Of course now that you’re looking back on it you would do some things differently. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

Forgive your past self. They did the best they could with the tools they had available at the time.

That’s what being human looks like.

You Don’t Have to Start With the Dragon

Everyone tells us to forgive. Very few people teach us how.

And too often we’re told to march directly toward the most painful thing that ever happened to us and somehow “let it go.”

No wonder people resist forgiveness!

I would too.

Or even worse, there’s that old saying, “forgive and forget.”

Umm… I’m originally from New York City, and I think I can safely speak for everyone there when I say we never forget.

Ever.

So THAT saying gets tossed out immediately.

What I can promise is that using my forgiveness system will help you remove the emotional charge. You won’t forget what happened. You just won’t care anymore.

You’ll see their name and feel… nothing.

THAT, my friends, is freedom.

And suddenly, you have space in your brain for other things. That new apartment, job, relationship, or whatever else you’ve been wanting. You start noticing possibilities you couldn’t see before because you were so focused on the anger. Your brain finally has room to breathe again.

So start with what feels possible.

You may be surprised by what happens as the load gets lighter.

And that unforgivable person?

Leave them alone for now. They’re not going anywhere.

You have plenty of other baggage we can unpack first.

Ready to Go Further?

I spent years studying forgiveness, working through my own experiences. Yet no one teaches you HOW to forgive. So we developed a practical formula people can actually use.

No pretending something didn’t happen.

No forcing yourself to feel warm and fuzzy toward someone who hurt you.

And no requirement that you forgive the dragon before you’re ready.

I teach the complete process in my book “The Ultimate Path to Forgiveness: Unlocking Your Power,” available on Amazon in print, ebook, and audiobook.

And if you’d rather work through something privately, you can also schedule a one-on-one session with me.

You don’t have to forgive everything today.

You don’t even have to forgive them.

Just start somewhere.

You might be amazed by how much lighter life gets when you stop carrying things that no longer belong to you.

Until next time,

Katharine